So now for the introductions. In no particular order I present:

The Things

The Work Thing

The Exercise Thing

The Food Thing

The Hygiene Thing

Each Thing has a set of rules attached to it.

These rules I follow strictly. There is little room for flexibility. The rules come from a variety of sources and have grown in strength with time.

I guess they have become more ingrained in my thinking and therefore harder to ignore or challenge.

The Things are explained differently depending on who I am talking to.

Sometimes they have been, and are, linked to anorexia nervosa, sometimes obsessive compulsive disorder, sometimes perfectionism, sometimes simply as Helen. More recently my autism diagnosis gave another explanation.  

There is part of me that wants to keep elements of them all.

I want to be a conscientious person, a reliable colleague, a dedicated artist and continue to enjoy the work that I do. I want to be a fit and healthy individual who has an active lifestyle and can continue to enjoy the activities that I do. I want to be a healthy, slim and toned person who eats a well-balanced diet and takes care of herself and enjoys the food she eats.

What I don’t want is for these to be so very rigid and restrictive that I am governed by them in an unhelpful and unhealthy manner.

Quite how I get to that place is a scary and immensely difficult challenge, but I think it is a challenge that I am beginning to want to accept and conquer.

That is a huge step forward from where I have been.

The reason that I say, I think, as opposed to, I know (it seems such a no-brainer), is the sheer power that The Things have and the amount of effort that it will take. The Things are so much a part of me it is difficult to differentiate between what is a Thing and what is Helen.

It is difficult to know what to believe. I once tried to explain it to my Gran who was a religious person.

I likened my belief in The Things with her belief in God. If someone told her that God did not exist and that all the teachings that she followed were not true, it would not have been easy for her simply to change her understanding of the world.

It is difficult to compute that for over 20 years, the set of principles that I have been accustomed to living by are false. Twenty plus years is a long time.