It hits me on my way home. How out of it I feel. Out of my own body. Weird. The woozy head. Temples thumping. Eyeballs retreating into the back of my skull. Heavy eyelids.

I feel seasick

On dry land

Is this what it is like to feel drunk or stoned?

I should go straight home and to bed.

But I need to walk. There is this voice telling me I need to exercise. Unhelpful.

And I need to buy some specific foods. I need broccoli, mushrooms and satsumas. Missing out all three of these is not an option. 

So I do the walk and get the food and reach my house and get out my keys and they jangle and I wet myself. Great!

I need a shower

I need to take my bins out

(but doing that is a whole other routine and takes time and I don’t have it within me to do that now).

My head thumps. I feel nauseous.

I need to sleep

and I need to eat

(I have a meal plan to follow)

I can’t afford to lose weight

So I need to weigh what I eat

So I can work out the calories

And ensure I eat enough

I can’t afford to lose weight

I need for the food to be clean

And I need to be clean

I need to post my diary online

(because I’m committed to this and have done it for over 1500 days and it is my practice and I can’t break the good habit)

But I need to sleep

And I need to eat

And I need to shower

I need to call my Dad

(show him that I care, check he and Mum are ok, offer some support, be a good daughter)

But need to call after 8pm when he is no longer on carers duties but before 9pm when he doesn’t want to be disturbed

But I need to sleep

And I need to eat

And I need to shower

And I need to post my diary online

And I need to do my yoga

Because my mind is racing and I need to relax and yoga helps me relax.

So I change my clothes

Post my diary online

And call my Dad

Do my yoga

Have a shower

Clean my kitchen surfaces

Weigh my food

Make sure the food is clean

Calculate the calories in my food

Make sure I have 2400 calories

Eat my food

While I do my diary

And fall asleep.