Frantic thoughts. Keep falling asleep. But why. Went to bed earlier. Not early enough. Letting people down. How am I going to be able to cope with work if I sleep in? Need to move lots to compensate. Wasted time in bed. Lack of productivity. Others are more productive. Should be working more. Got too much to do. Not enough time. Not going to be able to get everything done. Concentrate. Need to be stricter with myself. Open post. Letter from work. Sick pay soon going to end. Letter from working tax credits. Going to end soon. More paperwork to complete. Deadline. Pressure. Finance worries. OT arrives. Reminder of how ill I am. Overwhelmed. Where to start. Frantic thoughts. Panic. Fear. Dread. Shame. All I have to overcome. All I have to do better. All I need to change. Need to sleep more. Need to cook faster. Need to eat quicker. Don’t rush your food. Need to stop weighing food. Need to know I am eating enough. Need to know I am not eating too much. Need to stop calculating calories. Need to eat more regularly. Need to be kind to myself. Don’t beat myself up. It’s all my fault. It’s not your fault. Bins emptied. Bin lid won’t spin round. Struggle to fix it. Bin juice on me. Calories and germs in bin juice. Contaminated. What have I touched? Need to change clothes.  Need to wash clothes. So much washing to do already. Bin bag touched work surface. Need to clean work surfaces. Can’t leave without cleaning as germs may spread. Clean surfaces. Clean floor. Repeat. Did I miss a bit? Repeat. Cleaning takes time. Can’t be late. Quick. But hurry and don’t do it properly. Have to repeat. Washing machine on. When am I going to have lunch today? Logistics. Got job centre meeting. Can’t be late. Don’t know how long it is. Food needs to be in fridge. Can’t take food to meeting. After meeting I’m to meet X at NewBridge to do shopping. X will drive me home. Need to do exercise. Need to eat more regularly. Need to eat before doing exercise. Walk to Newbridge. (Exercise). Drop food off and put in fridge. Walk to job centre. (Exercise). Attend job centre interview. Scared. Open plan office. Can hear others talking. Work coach arrives late. Asks questions. Remind myself I have prepared. Open laptop. Laptop won’t switch on. Why? Battery issues. But it was fully charged. Rely on my laptop. Can’t afford a new laptop. Panic. Questions are not too bad. Didn’t need to show all my documents. Yesterday’s prep is a waste of time. But demands and consequences are overwhelming. Complicated circumstances. Have a year to test self employment. Then who knows. Regular checks. Monthly reporting. Meet again in June. Overwhelmed. More paperwork. Meeting over. Phew! No toilet in the building. Oh no. Walk to Newbridge. Desperate for the toilet. Bump into Y. Quick chat. Can’t be rude. Toilet after. Z phones. What if it is urgent? Need toilet. Need to eat before X. Sorry can’t chat or meet. Bladder issues. Rush to toilet. Too late. Need to clean me. In a rush to eat. Panic. Breathe. Timer starts. Have to eat fast. Have I rushed my food? 30 minutes. Got 1.5 hours before exercise. 5:30pm can walk. Shopping with X. X drives me there and back to home. No walking home. Sitting in the van. Anxious. Have I moved enough? Keys jangle in the door. Food on floor. Bladder bursts. Didn’t realise I was desperate. Germs everywhere. More cleaning. Clean myself. Clean floor. Clean toilet. Change clothes. More washing. No clean slippers to wear. Need slippers. Have to buy new slippers. Washing machine on spin. Walk to shop. Buy slippers. Walk home. Check steps. Done exercise. Breathe. Need to be quick. Too much still to do. Washing. Phone Dad. Computer work. Finance. Shower. Prioritise.  Frantic thoughts. Was I rude to Z? Y? X? Need to relax. Switch off. Football. What to have for dinner? Need to be quick. Omega 3 good. Salt bad. Everything in moderation. Balance. Count. Calories. Protein. Fat. Measure. Egg yesterday. Fish today. What about tomorrow? Focus on the now. Woodlouse walks across my draining board. Woodlouse been on floor. Woodlouse spread germs. Germs make people ill. Dot want to be ill. Can’t cope with being ill. Need to go back to work. Just want to be well. Get rid of germs. Clean. Cleaning takes time. Makes me late. Breathe. Clean. Measure. Weigh. Need to weigh less. Need to stop weighing. Calculate. Need to stop counting calories. Chop. Need to have less veg. Cook. Woodlouse walks across crockery. More cleaning. Eat. Relax. Conscious of time. Eat quicker. Need to go to bed earlier. Go to bed earlier. But not early enough.